This week’s episode is no joke… in fact, it’s ALL jokes. Josh and Austin take a break from finances and do an episode entirely of dad jokes. You’ll hear 24 total jokes, ranging from jokes about pie, to polar bears, to thesauruses, to hipsters. All of this and one financial fact of the week on this episode of The Invested Dads. Listen now!
Main Talking Points
[0:56] – Dad Jokes pt. 1
[5:12] – Financial Fact of the Week
[6:04] – Dad Jokes pt. 2
Links & Resources
Invest With Us – The Invested Dads
Free Guide: 8 Timeless Principles of Investing
Social Media
Full Transcript
Intro:
Welcome to The Invested Dads Podcast, simplifying financial topics so that you can take action and make your financial situation better. Helping you to understand the current world of financial planning and investments, here are your hosts, Josh Robb and Austin Wilson.
Austin Wilson:
All right. Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to the Invested Dads Podcast, the podcast where we take you on a journey to better your financial future, or in today’s case, we’re going to better your knowledge of mindless jokes that-
Josh Robb:
That’s right.
Austin Wilson:
… you probably should know.
Josh Robb:
It’s going to better your current mood.
Austin Wilson:
So yes, this is an episode all for dad jokes.
Josh Robb:
Dad jokes.
Austin Wilson:
We’re doing dad jokes for the entire episode, and we’d like to give a shout out to Christina Ackermann because this was her idea, actually.
Josh Robb:
She said do some dad jokes, and we’re like, we would love to.
[0:56] – Dad Jokes pt. 1
Austin Wilson:
I think it’s going to happen. So, we’ve got quite a list of some good chuckle busters coming your way. So Josh, I’m going to start us off here.
Josh Robb:
Do it. I’m ready.
Austin Wilson:
Okay. Well, we should probably preface this by saying we do not know each other’s jokes.
Josh Robb:
We have not seen them.
Austin Wilson:
We have 12 each.
Josh Robb:
Just in case.
Austin Wilson:
Just in case. We’re trying to do 10 each and we do not have any idea what the jokes will be.
Josh Robb:
And we’re not going to guess the answers to them.
Austin Wilson:
We’re not going to guess the answers.
Josh Robb:
We’ll let the punchline go.
Austin Wilson:
So Josh, what do you need to do when you’re addicted to seaweed?
Josh Robb:
I do not know.
Austin Wilson:
Sea kelp.
Josh Robb:
Sea kelp, I like that.
Austin Wilson:
Sea kelp.
Josh Robb:
That’s good. Good start. I like it. So I got a question. I want to know, do you know the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
Austin Wilson:
I do not.
Josh Robb:
One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Austin Wilson:
That’s funny.
Josh Robb:
A little lighter.
Austin Wilson:
Okay, here’s one. What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?
Josh Robb:
Hmm. What would you bring?
Austin Wilson:
A navigator.
Josh Robb:
Navigator. I like it. I like it. See, these are good. See, we should do this more often.
Austin Wilson:
We should.
Josh Robb:
Just a fact of life. So you know about me, okay?
Austin Wilson:
That’s good.
Josh Robb:
I do like waiters. They bring a lot to the table.
Austin Wilson:
That’s so true. Good one.
Josh Robb:
They bring a lot to the table.
Austin Wilson:
Why do electricians listen to the news… I’m going to start that over because there should be a comma in there, but there’s not. Why do electricians listen to the news… Nope. Let’s start again.
Josh Robb:
Get this.
Austin Wilson:
Why do electricians listen to news radio while they work?
Josh Robb:
Oh, okay. This better be really good because it’s got a lot of setup for it.
Austin Wilson:
To keep up on current events.
Josh Robb:
Current events. There you go. All right. Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
Austin Wilson:
I don’t know.
Josh Robb:
Because he was drinking coffee before it was cool.
Austin Wilson:
Before it was cool. That’s funny. What fruit is always in line?
Josh Robb:
Fruit is in line. I don’t know. What we got?
Austin Wilson:
The queue-cumber.
Josh Robb:
Queue-cumber.
Austin Wilson:
That should be vegetable.
Josh Robb:
Oh, that’s true.
Austin Wilson:
Or is a cucumber a fruit?
Josh Robb:
I don’t know. Is that one of those… Like a tomato? Probably has-
Austin Wilson:
It has seeds.
Josh Robb:
… seeds on the inside.
Austin Wilson:
It’s probably a fruit. What the heck?
Josh Robb:
Oh man.
Austin Wilson:
My mind is blown.
Josh Robb:
Cucumbers are just water. They’re just water. They’re not anything.
Austin Wilson:
Queue-cumber.
Josh Robb:
Queue-cumber, you got that one. Remember back in the day when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Austin Wilson:
Yes.
Josh Robb:
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
Austin Wilson:
That makes me think of Christmas with the Kranks with Tim Allen.
Josh Robb:
Yes. I’m trying to remember that…
Austin Wilson:
And he gets Botox because they’re getting ready to go on a trip because their kids are not coming home for Christmas. He gets Botox in his entire… His forehead gets nice and smooth like an injection would have had, but he goes out to dinner with his wife or something and he can’t feel his face because it’s completely numb, so he’s eating and drinking and it’s all just falling out of his mouth. All right, Josh, we’re going to do all 12, I think. Each.
Josh Robb:
I got some extras.
Austin Wilson:
This is my number five. What do monkeys wear when cooking?
Josh Robb:
I don’t know.
Austin Wilson:
An ape-ron.
Josh Robb:
Ape-ron.
Austin Wilson:
An ape-ron.
Josh Robb:
New world or old world apes because there’s a difference.
Austin Wilson:
Like are we talking like planet of the apes?
Josh Robb:
No, in real life. There’s classifications.
Austin Wilson:
No, I don’t even know. Although, I think I’ve said orangutang wrong. It’s orangutan. I always say Tang.
Josh Robb:
Like the drink.
Austin Wilson:
Yeah. Like Orangutang? No, it’s orangutang… Orangutan. Jenna corrects me all the time on that. I don’t use that word that frequently, but every time I do, it’s like, Austin, no.
Josh Robb:
To me, they’re one of my favorite types of apes. It’s hilarious.
Austin Wilson:
They are. They always have a permanent mullet. They’re just hairy all over. Ready to party.
Josh Robb:
All right, my number five. What type of magazines do cows read?
Austin Wilson:
I do not know, Josh.
Josh Robb:
Cattle-logs.
Austin Wilson:
Cattle-logs, that’s good. I’m going to read you six right now and then we’ll break. What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
Josh Robb:
Lost.
Austin Wilson:
Yes, exactly! Lost.
Josh Robb:
Was that it? Sorry, I didn’t mean to guess it. That was like… They don’t go there. I apologize. I shouldn’t have guessed it. I just was like, they don’t go there.
[5:12] – Financial Fact of the Week
Austin Wilson:
All right. So just so that we don’t leave everyone completely hanging, in place of the dad joke of the week because you might get your fill of that, we’re going to provide the financial fact of the week.
Josh Robb:
There we go.
Austin Wilson:
And the financial fact of the week should be encouraging. The financial fact of the week is just a reminder that the US stock market has never been down for a 20 year period. Never. Not in the history of the US stock market. While this isn’t a guarantee of future returns, obviously, no one can guarantee that, it is proof that as the economy grows and companies innovate, stocks are going to rise given enough time.
So, if you’ve got a long time period where you don’t need to touch your money, stocks are the way to grow it. So, little encouragement there. Little financial fact of the week. Little knowledge nugget on this fine Thursday, if you’re listening to it the day it comes out, but we got some more jokes for you. So let’s get back to it.
[6:04] – Dad Jokes pt. 2
Josh Robb:
All right, my number six.
Austin Wilson:
Your number six.
Josh Robb:
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Austin Wilson:
I don’t know.
Josh Robb:
A cinnamon roll, but synonym.
Austin Wilson:
Synonym role. Ooh, that’s good. That’s good. Why did the Dalai Lama go to the casino?
Josh Robb:
Well, I don’t know. I don’t feel like he would, but go ahead.
Austin Wilson:
Tibet.
Josh Robb:
Tibet. There you go. Here’s just a fact for you. The only thing flat earthers have to fear is fear itself. Sphere.
Austin Wilson:
Sphere itself. Okay, so it is so funny… Now, if we have any flat earth listeners, I’m sorry, I’m going to crap all over your thinking, but it is so funny that we literally have people to think that the earth is flat in 2021. Ay-ay-ay. What country, Josh, is never full?
Josh Robb:
What country?
Austin Wilson:
Hungry.
Josh Robb:
Hungry. There you go. What do you say to your sister when she is crying?
Austin Wilson:
Oh, Jocelyn, if you’re listening to this, I’m sorry. I don’t say the right thing, but what should I not say?
Josh Robb:
Are you having a cry-sis? Cry-sis.
Austin Wilson:
That is hilarious. What historical figure is known for saying, “Eh, good enough.”?
Josh Robb:
I don’t know.
Austin Wilson:
Medi-ocrates.
Josh Robb:
Medi-ocrates.
Austin Wilson:
That’s fake. I don’t think that’s a real guy.
Josh Robb:
He’s a good philosopher. I don’t know if you knew this, but yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
Austin Wilson:
Uh-oh.
Josh Robb:
Yeah. Doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little on the inside.
Austin Wilson:
So, food coloring, I don’t even know what’s in it, but I always feel like everyone’s like, “Oh, it’s fine. It’s in cookies. It’s fine.” It sounds like it should be terrible for you.
Josh Robb:
It is terrible for you, I’m sure.
Austin Wilson:
Because a lot of people have allergies to dyes and stuff.
Josh Robb:
Yep. Red dye, you got to watch it.
Austin Wilson:
That’s very common. What is a stoner’s favorite type of pie? You know it.
Josh Robb:
I don’t know it.
Austin Wilson:
You know it.
Josh Robb:
Tell me what-
Austin Wilson:
Pot pie.
Josh Robb:
Pot pie.
Austin Wilson:
Pot pie.
Josh Robb:
Oh man. My son’s math teacher called him average. I think he’s mean.
Austin Wilson:
That is so mean.
Josh Robb:
I know.
Austin Wilson:
That is so funny. Okay, another polar bear joke, because that’s just kind of the mood I’m in. What do you call a bear that lives on both poles?
Josh Robb:
I don’t know. I do know, a-
Austin Wilson:
A bipolar bear.
Josh Robb:
… bipolar bear. Oh man. I bet you didn’t know this fact about me, Austin. We know a lot about each other.
Austin Wilson:
We do.
Josh Robb:
Did you know I was fired on my first day when I started working at a bank.
Austin Wilson:
I don’t get it.
Josh Robb:
Well, let me tell you why. A man came in, asked me to check his balance, and I pushed him over.
Austin Wilson:
That’s funny. All right. My last joke, number 12. How did the computer eat its supper?
Josh Robb:
How did he?
Austin Wilson:
In mega-bites.
Josh Robb:
Mega-bites.
Austin Wilson:
Ohhh.
Josh Robb:
All right, I have two more.
Austin Wilson:
Bring ’em.
Josh Robb:
All right. As I was trying to get these jokes together, I thought about using one of the jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
Austin Wilson:
That’s funny.
Josh Robb:
Last one. Last one. I was at a wedding. It was the saddest wedding ever. Even the cake was in tears.
Austin Wilson:
Oh, that’s good. Some plays on words.
Josh Robb:
I know. Got to think about it.
Austin Wilson:
You got to-
Josh Robb:
It’s the spelling.
Austin Wilson:
… think about it. All right. So, yes. This was a little break from our normal, super, hopefully, helpful, and insightful financial planning or the investment side of things, knowledge that we like to provide, but thought it’d be good to kind of break it up a little bit. Have a little bit of fun. Josh laughed a little.
Josh Robb:
I did.
Austin Wilson:
I laughed a little.
Josh Robb:
Yep.
Austin Wilson:
So, we had a good time, but we’ll be back next Thursday with your regularly scheduled financial information. Information news… Whatever we want to talk about. So, please check out our free gift to you, if you’re interested, it’s on our website. It’s a PDF that is a brief list of eight principles of timeless investing. These are overarching investment themes meant to keep you on track to meet your long-term goals.
We don’t inherently mention dad jokes, but we think it’s a good part of life. So you should probably have that as a goal to tell yourself or someone else.
Josh Robb:
I thought you were going to say, “This free gift is no joke.”
Austin Wilson:
This free gift is no joke. That’s exactly right. So check that out. It’s free on our website. Josh, how can people help us grow this podcast?
Josh Robb:
Make sure you subscribe, that way you get our episodes every Thursday sent directly to you. Leave a review on Apple Podcasts. The more people that review us, the higher we rank, which means more people can find us. And then if you have any ideas or have your favorite dad joke and want to send it to us, we love hearing dad jokes, email us at hello@theinvesteddads.com.
And then if you know, somebody likes a good laugh. You can share this episode with them. And again, thanks, Christina, for that idea. We had a lot of fun.
Austin Wilson:
All right, well, until next Thursday, when we’re back with finance.
Josh Robb:
All right.
Austin Wilson:
Have a good week.
Josh Robb:
Bye.
Outro:
Thank you for listening to the invested dads podcast. This episode has ended, but your journey towards a better financial future doesn’t have to. Head over to theinvesteddads.com to access all the links and resources mentioned in today’s show. If you enjoyed this episode and we had a positive impact on your life, leave us a review, click subscribe, and don’t miss the next episode.
Josh Robb and Austin Wilson work for Hixon Zuercher Capital Management. All opinions expressed by Josh, Austin or any podcast guest are solely their own opinions and do not reflect the opinions of Hixon Zuercher Capital Management. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be relied upon for investment decisions. Clients of Hixon Zuercher Capital Management may maintain positions in the securities discussed in this podcast. There is no guarantee that the statements, opinions or forecasts provided herein will prove to be correct. Past performance may not be indicative of future results. Indices are not available for direct investment. Any investor who attempts to mimic the performance of an index would incur fees and expenses, which would reduce returns. Securities investing involves risk, including the potential for loss of principal. There is no assurance that any investment plan or strategy will be successful.
